Settle in, make yourself
comfortable, and get ready for a long, bumpy ride. Let me remind you, I am
certified to teach Social Studies and Science, not Language Arts, so I
apologize in advance for the mistakes I make. I have been contemplating
writing a blog post about this topic since I began my blog almost a year
ago. It's something that I have thought long and hard about for several
years. I want to explain the reasons behind hyphenating my name and why the
decision was so very important for me. This is more for my benefit than
anything, but I hope you enjoy reading my thoughts. Feel free to let me know
what you think.
I want to preface my story by
saying that I am writing about my opinions and personal beliefs.
That being said, I respect other people's choices and opinions because I am
thankful we have that freedom. I am obviously in the minority with my choice
and I'm cool with that so I understand others will disagree with what I say. As
a Christian I believe first and foremost in love and tolerance and hope to
portray that through my writing. Now, where do I begin?
I’ve always had a tendency to
argue, and to do the opposite of what I’ve been told to do. Second child
syndrome, maybe? I have never liked the idea of doing something, “Just because.”
So, when I was little and my parents would give me the, “Because I said so”
excuse, it didn’t fly with me. I like to know why things are the way they are
and why people make the choices that they do. I learned a lot about myself
while wedding planning – mostly that I am very thoughtful in the choices I
make. I research all the options, and have to know I have seen every option
before making a decision. I definitely did this when I planned the wedding, so it only makes sense to do
the same for the marriage.
I grew up in what I would
consider an egalitarian household. My parents had equal say-so in our family; neither
one had more power than the other. No one was ever expected to do something just because of an old school scripted
gender role. I didn’t grow up in a household where my father expected to come
home from work to a spotless house and be served dinner on a silver platter.
They both worked so why should she come home, cook dinner, serve him, and clean
up after him, just like she would a child? I’m not saying you shouldn’t do
things for your spouse; I’m just saying one person shouldn’t be put on a
pedestal at the expense of the other. Both my parents did thoughtful things for
the other because they wanted to, not because they had to. I can’t begin to
tell you how thankful I am for that and that is how I want my marriage to be. To
me, marriage is not about two halves making a whole – it’s about two people coming
together and making each person their best self.
I’ve always been extremely close
with my dad and that has had a profound impact on my identity. Several years
ago Dad and I started working on our Watts family tree. If you haven’t done any
genealogy research, I can’t encourage you enough to do so. We learned so much
about our family that we would have never known if we didn’t start digging. Am
I proud of everything we found? No way. If you dig hard enough you will find
things you wish you wouldn’t have. For the same reason I believe in history, I
believe in genealogy. Let me explain. To truly know yourself and know what you
want out of life, you have to know where you come from and what your ancestors
have been through.
What does this have to do with my
story? Bottom line: It breaks my heart that it is nearly impossible to trace my
female ancestors because they are virtually non-existent. So many documents
say, “Mrs. John Watts,” or simply, “the wife of…” Their former selves totally
disappeared when they got married. Why? Why do we have to throw away part of
our identity in order to join with a man in marriage? I wouldn’t be here if it
weren’t for those women, but does history recognize them? No, basically they
had no importance other than giving birth to the next generation of men. Even
their gravestones list their husband’s name before their own. Sometimes when
I’m reading through the information I’ve gathered, I daydream about what those
women were like. What did they look like, sound like, think, feel, believe?
They were real, just like me. They played
just as important of a role as their husbands, but history doesn’t tell the
story that way. This is why I love teaching Social Studies. My students (and my
kids) will learn a different side of history than I learned. One that tells the
stories of and to all peoples – not just the white man.
During my time at UGA I was lucky
enough to get into some great classes that truly changed my life. First and
foremost, Women’s Studies. You guessed it, those “crazy” Feminists in the UGA
Women’s Studies department got to me! I am still obsessed with my professor,
Nichole Ray. She was phenomenal! Hands
down the best teacher I ever had and the best class I ever took. Don’t let the name
confuse you – it wasn’t just about women’s rights. It was about equality and
issues in gender, race, class, and sexuality as social constructs. We discussed
everything from politics, healthcare, LGBTQ, minority rights, stereotyping,
sexual violence, marketing, body issues, and so much more. Every class made me
feel confused, uncomfortable, and sometimes downright mad! I couldn't get enough. As a teacher
that's what I want for my kids - I believe the best learning comes when you are
forced to listen to what you don't want to hear. I challenge you to do the
same. If you only converse with people of your same opinion where will you
get? Nowhere – that won’t help you grow as a person. My education professor Jim
Garrett always told us, "Uncomfortable is good. I want you to be uncomfortable. Learning happens when we get
uncomfortable." I couldn’t agree more! Similar to what I said before about
genealogy, I believe you can’t truly fight for what you believe unless you have
explored all the other options and heard all the other arguments. Challenge
your opinions – it will either change your mind or make you fight even harder
for what you believe in.
I know this post has been all
over the place and I apologize. I’m going to try and bring it all together to
make my point. This post is supposed to explain why I decided to hyphenate my
name when I got married last month, and I haven’t even mentioned my husband.
Chris and I dated for over seven years before we got married. We literally grew
up together and went through several major life events together before getting
married. I’m so glad we dated for so long because I know we have created a
strong foundation for our marriage. Chris is well aware I’m a Feminist who
feels very strongly about her beliefs and he is secure enough in his identity
to be with me.
When it came time to apply for
our marriage license Chris and I had “The talk.” I had been torn for months and
was still unsure about what I wanted to do. I’d discussed my thoughts with so
many people: my parents, sister, friends, teachers, mentor teacher, my Italian family,
church friends, etc. It seemed like I’d had this conversation a million times
and I was still torn. I’d prayed about it, researched it, and read arguments on
both sides. I’ll be honest, Chris was leaning towards me totally taking his
name and I was leaning towards totally keeping my own. What was I supposed to
do?
Let me spell out my argument for
you:
·
I have had my name for 22 years and I’m pretty fond
of it, why should I change it?
·
Why don’t men change their name if it’s about being
“united?”
·
Why do I have to change my name to prove that I
made this commitment?
·
What do we benefit from my taking your name?
·
In many other cultures women have and still do keep
their birth name.
·
I am not property. Name-changing is an outdated
tradition based on outdated principles.
·
It is something I want to do to honor my female
ancestors.
·
I feel it is disrespectful to the millions of women
who were treated as property and didn’t have this choice.
·
There are still millions of women treated as
property, mistreated, and even murdered based on their gender around the world.
·
I am already marrying you – this is how I want to
keep my connection to my family that I am very close to.
·
I do not love you any less by keeping my birth name.
It’s not about love. It’s about equality.
·
I have spent years learning where I come from – why
abandon that?
Arguments I personally heard from
other women:
·
It’s tradition. (I’ll give you that – I love me
some traditions, but I’m not sure this one is for me.)
·
It’s just what
you do. (Why? That’s the point. Remember what I said about “Just because?”)
·
It’s the
“Christian” thing to do. (How does not changing my name make me less of a “Christian?”)
·
You should be leaving your parents and joining with
your husband (I am. What does that have to do with my name? Isn’t that what the
marriage certificate, vows, and being
married part are for?)
·
It will be hard for your kids. They will be
confused. (Then I’ll let them read this blog post.)
·
You will regret it after you have children (Doubt
it, but if so I’ll change my name.)
·
People will think you aren’t married (But we are
so… who cares?)
·
Either way you are taking the name of a man: Your
husband or your father (Good point, it’s a lose-lose if you look at it that way.)
·
“I just want to have the same name as my husband. I
love him.” (Okay, good. You should change your name then. I’m cool with that.
But, don’t act like that means you love your husband more than I love mine.)
This is
by no means an exhaustive list – just the most frequent arguments I gave and
received over the past couple of years. In the end we compromised – isn’t that
what marriage is all about? As you can tell by the signature on my blog my new
name is Cari Brianna Watts-Savage and I’m very happy with it. I feel like those
two little words separated by a hyphen give the world a little glimpse into my
mind and who I am as a woman. To me they say, “I am the same woman I was before
I got married. I am proud to be my parent’s daughter and my husband’s wife.” Okay,
maybe I’m a little dramatic but I told you it’s important to me. To answer the
question I always get, “What will your students call you?” Don’t worry, I won’t
ask my middle schoolers to call me, “Mrs. Watts-Savage.” That’s just brutal!
I’ll be Mrs. Savage – it’s more appropriate for a Social Studies teacher
anyway, right? I don’t mind being called Mrs. Watts, Mrs. Savage, or Mrs.
Watts-Savage. It doesn’t offend me either way – that’s the best part: I get to be all three of those women.
Isn’t that awesome?
For
anyone who is afraid of marriage, commitment, or losing yourself – you can be
married without losing yourself. That’s what this is all about. A good marriage
should encourage you to be yourself. I’m so thankful I have that in Chris, and
I am so thankful our sons and daughters will have a father who encourages them
to be themselves. I thought long and hard about my decision and I wrote this
blog post to encourage other women to do the same. I don’t denounce those who
choose something other than what I chose. All I’m asking is you think about
what you’re doing – don’t just do what you’re expected to because it’s
“Traditional.” It’s a big deal, folks, don’t take it lightly.
Lastly, if you think that women’s
rights aren’t an issue anymore, you’re
wrong. Women have come a long way over the last century, but we still have
work to do in our country and especially around the world. But, I’ll save that
for another blog post! I could go on and on…
If you’re reading this sentence,
you made it through the post—Congratulations!
I hope that all my little anecdotes came together, made sense, and made
you think a little bit. I’d love to hear
your thoughts (in agreement or disagreement) so leave me a comment.
